Gentle Parenting: What It Is, What It Isn’t, and Why It’s Often Misunderstood
- Vini Lilian
- May 27
- 4 min read
If you’ve ever come across the term gentle parenting and thought it sounded like “letting kids do whatever they want,” you’re not alone. It’s a parenting style that’s often misunderstood — sometimes dismissed as too soft or idealistic. But in reality, gentle parenting is deeply rooted in psychological research and developmental science.
Rather than permissiveness or passivity, gentle parenting is about guiding children with empathy, boundaries, and emotional connection — all of which are strongly supported by decades of research in child development.
A child is an individual with emotions, thoughts and a unique personality, not an extension of the parents.
What Is Gentle Parenting?
Gentle parenting is built on four core values: respect, empathy, understanding, and boundaries. It focuses on the parent-child relationship as the foundation for growth and learning. Instead of demanding blind obedience, it nurtures cooperation, trust, and self-awareness.
Gentle parenting aligns with what psychologists refer to as the authoritative parenting style, which research shows to be the most effective in raising well-adjusted children (Baumrind, 1966; Steinberg, 2001). Authoritative parenting combines high responsiveness (emotional warmth and attunement) with high expectations (clear rules and structure).
In practice, this looks like:
Responding calmly, even during meltdowns.
Setting firm boundaries, but with kindness and consistency.
Helping children learn emotional regulation — rather than expecting them to “just behave.”
Repairing and reconnecting after conflicts.
Why Is Gentle Parenting Misunderstood?
Because gentle parenting doesn’t rely on punishments, time-outs, or shouting, many people assume it’s “too soft” or doesn’t involve discipline. But that’s a misunderstanding.
In fact, gentle parenting does include discipline — it just means teaching rather than punishing. And research backs this up. Children learn best when they feel safe, connected, and understood, not when they’re afraid or shamed (Siegel & Bryson, 2011; Perry, 2006).
Gentle parenting is often misunderstood because:
It asks parents to regulate their own emotions before reacting — which is hard, especially if we didn’t experience that growing up.
It prioritizes connection before correction, which can be confused with “giving in.”
It takes more time and emotional effort up front — but leads to better emotional and behavioral outcomes in the long run.
Discipline is learnt by modelling others specially from 2 to 5 yrs. So kids imitate our behavior and learn from it.
Gentle vs. Permissive vs. Neglectful Parenting
Let’s clear up a common confusion. Gentle parenting is not the same as permissive parenting — and it’s definitely not neglectful.
Here’s how they differ:
Parenting Style | What It Looks Like | Boundaries | Emotional Tone | Long-Term Impact |
|---|---|---|---|---|
Gentle Parenting | Calm, respectful, and firm. Teaches with empathy. | Clear and consistent | Warm, connected | Builds emotional regulation, trust, and resilience |
Permissive Parenting | Overly lenient; avoids conflict | Weak or inconsistent | Warm but lacks structure | Can lead to poor self-discipline, insecurity |
Neglectful Parenting | Emotionally or physically absent | Minimal or none | Disengaged or distant | Associated with emotional difficulties and attachment issues |
An Example:
A kid wants ice cream and starts to throw a tantrum.
A gentle parent might say: “I know you feel upset, and I’m here to help you through them. — but you cannot have ice cream right now.” and comfort the kid. The tone the parent uses will be firm but not angry or anxious.
Permissive parenting might say: “No it's okay, I will give you ice cream, you can stop crying now.”
Neglectful parenting might not respond at all.
Impact of Conventional Discipline
"My parents hit me and yelled at me, and I turned out fine." Did you though? I know I didn't.
Do you get startled by sudden movements or raised voices?
Are you concerned about getting into trouble for not reason?
Do you get anxious when someone doesn't like what you did or said?
Are you scared of being wrong?
Have you lied to your parents as a teenager or even an adult for inconsequential things to avoid conflict?
Do you feel guilty if you wake up late, arrange your dishes a different way or relax without doing chores?
If you're answer is yes to any of them, you learnt fear not discipline. We internalize everything when we're kids. We internalized fear instead of discipline. Now you find it hard to relax even if it's okay because you have this looming feeling that you're doing something wrong.
It becomes harder to differentiate what is right and wrong for you because you never learnt to figure that out for yourself. You see yourself through your parents' lens.
What Does the Research Say?
Here’s a brief look at what the science tells us:
Secure attachment, which grows from responsive parenting, helps children develop better emotional and social skills (Bowlby, 1969; Ainsworth, 1978).
Children raised with authoritative parenting tend to be more confident, independent, and emotionally regulated (Baumrind, 1991; Steinberg, 2001).
Punitive discipline (like yelling, spanking, or shaming) may lead to short-term compliance but can increase anxiety, aggression, and poor emotional health long term (Gershoff, 2002).
The brain’s ability to self-regulate develops through co-regulation — meaning kids need a calm adult presence to learn how to calm themselves (Siegel & Bryson, 2011; Perry, 2006).
In short: connection helps behavior, not the other way around.
Emotional Regulation
As a parent, your emotional regulation matters. When you feel overwhelmed, frustrated and exhausted, your kids refusing to listen adds to your already heavy plate. This leads to yelling and/or spanking as you find yourself very dysregulated as you struggle to manage your kid. If you find it hard to regulate your own emotions as an adult with a fully developed brain, it definitely is much harder for your child. They're barely able to process how they feel let alone communicate it. They also tend to absorb how we feel as they're looking to us for guidance.
That doesn't mean you're feelings are any less important or valid. First step is to become aware of how you feel and how it impacts your reactions and then you learn to regulate yourself. When we as adults learn to regulate ourselves, we can teach kids as well.
A Gentle Reminder
Gentle parenting doesn’t mean you’re never frustrated. It doesn’t mean your child gets their way all the time. It simply means you’re working to lead with understanding — balancing firm limits with emotional safety.
It’s not about perfection. It’s about presence.
If you’re trying to parent this way — or even just learning more about it — you’re already planting seeds of emotional health that will serve your child for a lifetime.
